Chris K: The Everyday Man

....Annnd We're Back! With a trip to Drooley's! I mean Dooley's.

2011-12-02T14:13:00.000-08:00

Sorry again about the delay. I went off and got married, built a house, and finished graduate school; but again, sorry about the delay.

Today was one of those days where I wish I had the ability to see just a few hours in to the future. Not to avoid any major tragedies or life-altering experiences, more just to change one or two minor decisions. Having lunch with a friend today was a good decision. Perhaps choosing a different restaurant would have been a good decision too.

Today I had lunch with my long lost friend Matthew who hails from the greater Woodbine area. We met for lunch at Dooley's, a sports bar environment for anyone who hasn't been there before. We decided on Dooley's because of their $1 draft offer. Who doesn't love a $1 draft offer? It slipped my mind that approximately 98.243% (studies pending) of $1 drafts are actually glasses of water with a few drops shimmery golden food coloring and a shot of seltzer water for the bubbly effect. However, when you figure a bottle of Dasani water out of a vending machine is $1.50 and most likely came from the muddy creek behind your aunt's house it all evens out. On a side note, I'm unsure about the effectiveness of the name "Dooley's." I apologize to any Tennessee fans in advance here, but it's an awkward name for a venue. It's literally one letter away from being "Drooley's" or "Doopey's." Besides, what if Tennessee's coach is fired? Will they change the name? That might confuse a lot of people, especially if the restaurant stays under the same management. Will people who like Dooley's think the new restaurant is a completely different restaurant and not go there anymore? A lot of future confusion that could have been easily avoided with a name that actually has branding capabilities.

Anyway, we went to Dooley's and sat down, full of anticipation for our $1 glasses of golden seltzer water coupled with a delicious hamburger. After we are seated, the waitress begins with the following statement: "I have to warn you..." News Flash: This is not a good way to welcome prospective customers. Thus enters all kinds of thoughts from every which direction that are unwanted immediately before ordering a meal. Does the restaurant have asbestos? Is the food covered in salmonella? Will the water give me dysentery like in Oregon Trail? Was Lyndon Johnson involved in the assassination of J.F.K.? Will "Grey's Anatomy" ever end? Thankfully (I think), none of these questions were addressed. The waitress continued "We are out of corned beef, pasta, and hamburgers. We had a group party last night and they ate over half our food stock." My initial reaction was disappointed, somewhat hopeful, and a bit astonished. Half of their food stock? Maybe they had an eating contest where the winner gets a $5000 raise. I can't imagine any other scenario where a group of people eats half the food of an entire restaurant on a Thursday night with no major sporting event on television. It's got to be a $5000 raise. Anyway, I considered my options quickly and began to feel hopeful again. I wasn't going to get a hamburger, but I wasn't going to have to suffer through dysentery either. Glass half full. It was only after I opened the menu that I became disappointed. Here's the problem: over 70% of the menu encompasses food items they did not have. The waitress might as well have said "Welcome to Dooley's! What can I get for you to drink? Oh, and we have no food. But it's no big deal! I mean, who eats food at lunch anyways?!?!" By no choice of my own, my options were limited to fish and chips or a grilled chicken sandwich. Through Matt's recommendation, I went with the fish and it was all right. I'm not here as a food critic... It tasted like a fish sandwich, which based on the name of it is what it was supposed to taste like.

I must say, despite the fact that the restaurant had no food, it was a good lunch. Great company, cheap golden seltzer water, and a fish sandwich. At the end of the day, life could be a whole lot worse but not a whole lot better.

About the delay

2010-06-23T15:25:00.000-07:00

So sorry, I took a year off there. Just wanted everyone to know that I'm alive and well. Will post again soon.

2009 Quote of the Year

2010-01-21T18:42:00.001-08:00

"If Waldo and Carmen San Diego ever hooked up, their offspring would probably be completely invisible."

Words to live by.

The Trio is Gone

2009-08-26T12:54:00.001-07:00

Rest in peace Teddy.

Birthday Shopping

2009-08-17T07:56:00.000-07:00

My precious nephew turns 3 this week, so for the past few weeks I have been looking for the perfect gift to get him. This task quickly turned into an epic quest, and an epic failure, as I have come across some very questionable toys marketed for children. Here are some of the toys I found.

"Shoot Me Up Elmo"

This gem of a toy teaches your child the joys of heroin addiction and the effects of regular cocaine abuse. Comes complete with dialated pupils and drug paraphernalia.

"Franky the Hotdog Head"

This toy is not as openly offensive to societal customs as some of the other toys on this list, but there is one particulary simple thing wrong with this toy: It's incredibly stupid. Who would want a Franky the Hotdog Head toy. I mean really. Who? What's the appeal?? Franky Hotdog Henderson jumps into action and saves the day? Not so much.

"Limited Edition Dora the Explorer Aquapet"

This picture speaks volumes on its own accord. No need to say much about it. Design = FAIL. Truly terrible.

"The...Thing"

I have no idea what this is, but that child's life is ruined.

"The Smoking Monkey"

Teach your children about the healthy practice of spending $5 a day on a pack of smokes, and the wonderful benefits of getting lung cancer and emphysema! An added benefit to your young son smoking (if you can get him addicted soon enough) is his voice will sound like he's hit puberty years before he actually does! He'll be a big hit with the ladies. He'll also be a big hit on his insurance company by age 30.

By this point, you may be asking yourselves what I did end up getting my young nephew for his birthday. A gift card to Toys-R-Us. I trust my sisters judgment. She can get him a toy. I'm done looking until closer to Christmas.

This made me laugh today

2009-08-13T11:45:00.000-07:00

Q: What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

A: Roberto!

I hope that isn't a racial slur.

Evenflow

2009-07-21T11:08:00.000-07:00

Today the song Evenflow played on my Pandora playlist, and as I was listening I realized I have no idea what this song is about. I was going to look up the lyrics, but I decided to find the song and listen to it again first. I thought it might be fun to see if I could figure out what the song is about before reading the lyrics. For anyone familiar with Pearl Jam, you will note that it is rather difficult to decipher anything Eddie Vedder says. You might also note it is even more difficult to decipher anything Eddie Vedder sings.

Here is the link if you'd like to try this for yourself. See if you hear what I heard.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SPMfr38fCA

Here is the nonsense I heard:

Be there, razzed his hat in a pillow made of concrete. Again.
Oh, Be there, maybe he’ll see a little better than a daisy. Ah yeah.
Oh, hey now, big daddy bees, can a mayonnaise on the mirror. Uh.
Oh no crayon, he can’t help when he’s happy. Look at his aim. Yeah?

Evenflow, cuz your words are butterflies yeah.
Oh shee don’t know, she’ll be bakin’ me a cake yeah.
Oh Sunday games, he’ll be give his life again.
Life or dyeah. Life or dyeah.

Kneeling, looking through the paper though he doesn’t know to read it. ah yeah.
Oh Brian, I just hope it matters. Never soda with anything. Girl.
Aw Healin, depends on the weather if the waiter is on his way. Oh yeah.
Oh oh oh Healing, see a Bob between a paralegal on a swing.

Evenflow, on the run like butterflies yeah.
Oh we don’t know, so he chases them away yeah.
On Sunday yeah, he’ll begin his life again.
Oh a different ham, really eats him away. Eats him away. Him away. Yeah!

Guitar Solo

Evenflow, on the run like butterflies yeah.
Oh we don’t know, so he chases them away yeah.
On Sunday yeah, he’ll begin his life again. Oh a different ham, really eats him away. Eats him away. Him away.

Needless to say, from my interpretation of the lyrics the song didn't really.. speak to me, persay.

Oh, and here are the actual lyrics:

Freezin', rests his head on a pillow made of concrete, again.
Oh, Feelin' maybe he'll see a little betters any days.
Oh, head down, faces that he sees don't look it ain't that familiar.
Oh, girlfriend he can't have when he's happy looks insane, oh yeah.

Evenflow, thoughts arrive like butterflies.
Oh, he don't know, so he chases them away.
Someday yet he'll begin his life again. Life again. Life again.

Kneelin', looking through the paper though he doesn't know to read.
Prayin', now to something that has never showed him anything.
Oh, feelin', understands the weather or that winters on itsway. yeah.
Oh, ceilins, people fall between all the legal halls of shame.

Evenflow, thoughts arrive like butterflies.
Oh, he don't know, so he chases them away yeah.
Oh someday yet, he'll begin his life again.
Whispering hands, carry him away. Him away. Him away.

Guitar Solo

Evenflow, thoughts arrive like butterflies.
Oh, he don't know, so he chases them away yeah.
Oh someday yet, he'll begin his life again.
Whispering hands, carry him away. Him away. Him away.

So... there's that. Happy Tuesday.

Off- Target

2009-07-17T11:04:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I had some time to kill before work, so I decided to go to Target. I felt compelled to go to Target that day, but I was not sure why. On this particular day, everything had been going smoothly with no surprises or delays. I pulled into the parking lot, locked my doors (after I got out of the car this time) and began my journey towards the entrance of the store. It had been a good day so far, and I noticed that I inadvertantly began to strut: not cocky, mostly just walking with a dash of "I'm rather awesome, so take notice" and, possibly, a hint of sass. I swear, I don't have an ego problem, just F.Y.I.

A few moments later I arrived to the entrance and, naturally, I selected to enter the store through the automatic door instead of the regular doors. I mean, when given the choice, who wouldn't go through the automatic doors? It's like choosing to go through a regular door instead of those glass doors that spin in a circle. Who chooses the regular doors? Nobody. I watched a woman go through the automatic doors before me, which I believed to be a good indication that the doors were working properly. As I approached the doors, they became alarmingly stubborn and did not immediately open. Some automatic doors can be tricky, with a second delay before the sensor detects your presence. With this in mind, I waited. And waited. It had been 2 full seconds. Was I too light for the weight sensor? Don't ge me wrong, I know there are plenty of gentlemen with bigger biceps and broader shoulders than me, but I'm also relatively certain I weigh more than 15 pounds. Seconds 3 and 4 had passed and I began to perspire. A slight sensation of panic began to set in. Others were coming and going in and out of the store through the regular doors since I was blocking the automatic doors. Person after person stared at me as they walked by. Some stared out of curiousity, others gave a disgusted glare. I thought to myself "Do I give up? Should I go through the regular door?" My head told me yes, but my heart told me no. I chose the automatic door route. I had to stay the course. Each second now felt like an eternity longer than the one before it. I wiped my brow, the sweating levels increased. My blood pressure in this moment read 257/176. If embarrassment were a poison, I surely would have been dead. I stood there dumbfounded, with no end to this predicament in sight. After 10 full seconds (this is a rough estimate of course, but it seemed like a decade. Maybe longer.) I finally had an idea, a way out of this situation. I decided to bring out the twelve year old child from within: I bent my knees at a 90 degree angle and jumped straight up into the air. This was the moment in my life when I realized that I have a mere 4 inch vertical, which is rather disheartening.

Moving on, the next event that took place was one of the most joyous moments for anyone in all the world: When I landed, the doors finally opened! The 747 filled with stress had been cleared for takeoff and lifted all of it's weight off of my shoulders. I could go inside! It was as though the doors to the promised land had been opened for me (however, if Target were any sort of promised land, that would be overwhelmingly disappointing). Undoubtedly with the look of a crazed man etched on my face, I made a quick dash to get through the doors before they closed again. I am unsure of this to this day, but my awkwardly grand "dash & stop" entrance into the store may have looked like a horrid attempt at interpretive dance. Thank God Target doesn't have greeters like Wal-Mart, because I most likely would have given that poor soul a heart attack. I had made it. I was inside Target.

After a moment or two of recollection, after all the stress and sweating with the door incident, I realized two things about myself: 1. Don't strut. Ever. You will end up looking like an idiot. 2. The excessive amount of perspiration reminded me that I hadn't put on deodorant that day. I now knew why I came to Target, and knew exactly what I was going to buy.